I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
