I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Fuck appropriateness.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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