My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
