I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
