You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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