My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
