you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
