Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
