Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
