just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
