hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
