They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you never un-have a 4some
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
