why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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