i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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