I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i am craving dick and cupcakes
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
