girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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