i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
