Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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