I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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