Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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