Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Alive.
So much puke
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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