i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
