Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
