My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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