my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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