If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I love you.
Bad choice
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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