capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
