Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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