I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This baby is an asshole
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
