hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
