please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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