Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
