Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
