is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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