i need an iv and a liver transplant
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Everyone says I win the strip club
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
