i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't turn off my feet"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
