I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
