You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
