Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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