I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
