Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
