Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
