Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
