I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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