spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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