Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
