i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
