is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
