While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize