Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
