bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
