Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
