My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
