My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
