Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
