I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
