morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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