Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
