I cannot find my penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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