Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
