So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
