Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
