He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
