We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
