I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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