Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
