why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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