Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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